When i turn off all the screens
in my house
and im by myself
i get so scared
theres so much that im afraid of
and theres so much
that i dont know how to do
and ill have to do so much of it
alone
and it makes me feel so selfish
because people say theyll be there
for me
but in the end we can only share
a minority of the day
because thats how relationships work
i bleed myself over all the work
i have yet to do
of all the possibilities of failure
of all the opportunities that will vanish
because i like to choke myself
im sick to death over it
i cant bear it at all
i want to die
i want to kill myself violently
but then the focus turns on death
and what death holds
ive cried so many times because
i cant trick myself into
believing in an afterlife
to me, death is what happens
before you are born
there is Nothing
death is more than Nothing
its a total annihilation that none of us
can even fathom
or even get close to fathoming
this has tortured me for years already
ill find myself taking count
of the things i cherish
they make me feel good
but i think about how all of it
is in a constant state of entropy
all of it is bending and splintering
slowly slowly becoming ruined
slowly slowly becoming dust
it sickens me
it sickens me to death
i dont want to live
but i dont want to die
i really dont want to die
its 5:23am and
i really dont want to die